Good Boys

I wanted to add a little side note to my boys:

I remember holding a grudge against my parents until a few years ago. I thought they really did me wrong. I  felt I was unjustly punished and never understood. I felt like I was a "bad kid" and I didn't like that. A few years ago, I was visiting my family for Christmas in California and my whole family (parents, sisters, bros-in-law) went to the Oakland temple together. It was a wonderful experience. While in the Celestial Room, my dad came up to me. He sat down next to me and just said, "I am sorry for any mistakes we might have made as parents. I hope you forgive us. We did the best we could and I know we made mistakes and I'm sorry for that." I sat there and wept. I hugged my dad and all was forgiven. I have not thought another bad thought about my growing up years.

I want my boys to know that in case I forget to tell them: they are good boys - no, they are great boys and I love them very much. I want them to know that they are incredibly smart and loving and are capable. I am doing my best at being a mommy and I make a LOT of mistakes. I yell. I get frustrated. I take out my sadness on them. My boys should know it's not their fault.

I have dealt with depression for a long time now. I think it's genetic. I spent the better part of the past 8 years of my marriage trying to find out why I am sad. I blamed Daniel for a few years, then I blamed pregnancy and Noah, then I blamed Liam and having two kids as being too much for me. I blamed my circumstances, my stress, my callings and I have finally found out that I am just sad sometimes and it is nobody's fault. I simply feel depressed sometimes and that can feel like: anxiety, frustration, anger and deep sadness at times. To my boys, I must seem very hard to please, like they can do nothing right. I do not want them to feel that way.

I'm sorry boys. I love you. You are the highlight of my life, as is your daddy, Daniel. I will do my best not to blame anymore, but to move forward and work harder to be grateful and happy. You are so beautiful. I can see your little spirits radiating everyday. You are excited about everything and you are so funny. You are open, honest and sincere. You are my little buddies, my friends that I hang out with everyday. You try to make me happy and I love you for that. Whenever you see me crying, you always come close, hug me, kiss me and Noah even tells me, "Why are you crying? Why are you sad?", "I care about you Mommy", "I love you Mommy". Thanks. I love you too.