Noah

1. I was working on some stuff on the computer and Noah and Liam were in the office with me, doing crafts. They were cutting and gluing and taping. Anyway, Noah says, "I'm going to make a kite for Haley, you know Haley?" I said, "yeah, I know Haley. How are you going to make a kite?" And Noah says, "You know, easy. Like this" and he started cutting out paper and a piece of string. He's an awesome little crafter.

Liam

1. I was changing Liam's diaper and he started making conversation while I worked on a pretty heinous poopy diaper. He said, "Noah eee tine out", I said, "Yup, Noah's on time out". Liam says, "Noah cuh mommy's peepee", "Yes, Noah did cut mommy's paper. Was that good or bad?" ... "bad!" He totally gets it these days. I think he really understands most of what's going on now.

2. While dressing Liam for church yesterday he got away from me and ran over to his closet, then pointed up with his fat finger and said, "Sunay hut!" (Sunday hat). So I got his awsome Easter hat down and let him where it to church. It is a light blue, white and gray striped newsie hat that Aunt Christina let us borrow for a while. Since Liam was wearing his hat, it inspired Noah to wear his and my boys looked so awesome at church yesterday .. that got lots of compliments. Liam has style.

Noah

1. I told Noah that we needed to buzz his hair, so he had to take off his shorts and tshirt. Noah quickly responded, "I can't do that! Then everyone will think I'm wicked". I asked why he thought that and he said, "Because I will be outside in just my underwear!" Such a modest little man.

Liam

1. Liam got up this morning, ate some vitamins, had some juice and a little breakfast, then walked around for a while, then asked Daniel, "eee nap, daddy, nap!" He only wanted to be awake long enough to eat and take a small break before he was ready to be unconcious again. What 2 year old is like this?! It's hilarious. Nobody else's 2 year old asks to be put down for a nap at 8:30 am after sleeping for 12 hours until 7:30 am. It's awesome and funny and a little weird all at the same time.

Good Boys

I wanted to add a little side note to my boys:

I remember holding a grudge against my parents until a few years ago. I thought they really did me wrong. I  felt I was unjustly punished and never understood. I felt like I was a "bad kid" and I didn't like that. A few years ago, I was visiting my family for Christmas in California and my whole family (parents, sisters, bros-in-law) went to the Oakland temple together. It was a wonderful experience. While in the Celestial Room, my dad came up to me. He sat down next to me and just said, "I am sorry for any mistakes we might have made as parents. I hope you forgive us. We did the best we could and I know we made mistakes and I'm sorry for that." I sat there and wept. I hugged my dad and all was forgiven. I have not thought another bad thought about my growing up years.

I want my boys to know that in case I forget to tell them: they are good boys - no, they are great boys and I love them very much. I want them to know that they are incredibly smart and loving and are capable. I am doing my best at being a mommy and I make a LOT of mistakes. I yell. I get frustrated. I take out my sadness on them. My boys should know it's not their fault.

I have dealt with depression for a long time now. I think it's genetic. I spent the better part of the past 8 years of my marriage trying to find out why I am sad. I blamed Daniel for a few years, then I blamed pregnancy and Noah, then I blamed Liam and having two kids as being too much for me. I blamed my circumstances, my stress, my callings and I have finally found out that I am just sad sometimes and it is nobody's fault. I simply feel depressed sometimes and that can feel like: anxiety, frustration, anger and deep sadness at times. To my boys, I must seem very hard to please, like they can do nothing right. I do not want them to feel that way.

I'm sorry boys. I love you. You are the highlight of my life, as is your daddy, Daniel. I will do my best not to blame anymore, but to move forward and work harder to be grateful and happy. You are so beautiful. I can see your little spirits radiating everyday. You are excited about everything and you are so funny. You are open, honest and sincere. You are my little buddies, my friends that I hang out with everyday. You try to make me happy and I love you for that. Whenever you see me crying, you always come close, hug me, kiss me and Noah even tells me, "Why are you crying? Why are you sad?", "I care about you Mommy", "I love you Mommy". Thanks. I love you too.

Noah

1. Daniel isn't coming home tonight because he has school until 9 pm, so the boys don't get to see him before bedtime. So, our schedule is off a little and we found ourselves having a late lunch at 4 pm and at target looking at toys around 5 pm. Noah has been earning money slowly over the past 6 months or so doing "extra chores". Noah has his own chore chart, but in order to earn money, he has to do "extra chores" and after looking at all the toys at target tonight, he was motivated to do "extra chores" galore! Since we'v been home, he has cleaned up the front room, cleaned his room, made his bed, cleared off the kitchen table and currently, he is vacuuming the kitchen floor. He keeps hopping around and asking me for more chores to do so he can earn money and go back to Target to get one specific truck that he latched on to. I love it. He has goals.

2. I had to sit down with Noah and break the news to him that even if he earned all the money he needed tonight, we weren't going back to Target until tomorrow. He was very worried that the truck he wanted would get taken by somebody else. I remember feeling that way. Infact, I can recall feeling that way as early as a few months ago at a mom to mom sale. I stood in line shifting my weight from one foot to another, counting the women in line ahead of me and wondering if they'd find that perfect set of boys' clothing that I needed for MY boys. It's funny. I wonder if Noah or I will ever learn how to be patient and calm.

Liam

1. While at Target, Liam foundthis little "finger skateboard". It's a tiny skateboard about 1 inch wide and 3 inches long. It came with a set of extra wheels, a tiny screwdriver and stickers to decorate the board with. It was $2.50. Liam found the same kind of "finger skateboard" in the sand while we were camping this past weekend and held on to it for two days before loosing it somewhere. So when Liam saw this skateboard in the store .... he got very excited. His face lightened up, he pointed his fat pointer finger and yelled, "WOOK! Mommy, wook! bate-board! bate-board!" He grabbed it and carried it around for the entire 20 minutes we were at Target. When we started for the check out lines, I told him we had to get money from his piggy bank if he wanted it and we could come back. He looked confused and clutched the skateboard tighter. It was as if he sort of knew what I was getting at, but wasn't sure and wasn't taking any chances with letting his skateboard go. I told him again we didn't have his money with us and to leave the skateboard. His face switched from confusion and anger to total sadness. He looked like he was going to cry. I couldn't take it. I bought it for him and said we'd take the money from his piggy bank when we got home. I am a wimp. Liam is too cute. And he has not let that skateboard out of his sight all night. Worth it.

Noah

1. Today I asked Noah to draw me some "space pictures" so I could frame them and hang them up in his room as decoration. He asked what he should draw and I said, "How about a spaceship with windows and lots of people inside, looking out the windows?" Noah immediately corrected me, "Mommy, people aren't in spaceships, only ASTRONAUTS are in spaceships". He's too smart for me these days.

2. Noah needs a Daniel in his life, just like I do. Right now, I am in the office typing away and all I can hear is Noah speaking non-stop at Daniel. I don't even hear Daniel responding, but Noah has been a run-on sentence for about 20 minutes now. He came into the office about 5 minutes ago and said, "I'm playing Family Home Evening with Daddy. I am telling him stories. I already told him all of the story of the fireman and the firetruck and the dog." He just loves it when Daniel comes home and he can just talk and talk and talk at him. I feel the same way.

Liam

1. I was showing the "space pictures" to Daniel. We were doing this in the bathroom because the boys were in the bath. I asked Noah what one of the pictures was of and Noah said, "It's a spacer sausage" (he means flying saucer) to which Liam quickly jumped in and said, "eee ont sausage peash" (I want sausage please). I think Liam only knew what sausage was because we had some on our camping trip for breakfast with eggs. It is so funny that my little eater, Liam, wanted to put in a request for food as soon as he thought it was available.

2. Today it was hot - in the 90's and like 120% humidity, so we were mostly staying indoors, except for Liam. Liam is such a little man. He likes to putter around in the garage and throw balls and do manly man stuff, all the time. Today I was outside transplanting my little tomato plant and Liam came up to me with one of Daniel's leather work gloves that was on the work bench in the garage and asked "on?". I said he could put it on and so he did. Then he ran into the garage and grabbed a football, ran back to me and said, "ee catch? ... guv ... beeball" (want to play catch? I have my glove and football). Such a little athlete - even in 90 degree weather.

Noah

1. Out of the blue, Noah walks in fro outside in the backyard and we have this conversation ...

Noah:  "Are tigers visus?"
Me: "vicious?"
Noah: "Yeah ... can squirrels, racoons and tigers be visus?"
Me: "yeah, they can"
Noah: "why are they visus?"
Me: "I don't know"
Noah: "maybe because they don't like you"